Lackadaisical Me


I’ve posted this here before on my first week of blogging — when I didn’t have a lot of friends yet. So, I’m featuring it again. Let me know what you think.

Today’s one of those days when I just can’t be bothered to do things that I’m supposed to be working on and accomplish urgently. I have piles and piles of work to be done — marking students’ papers, writing reports, and all the other gazillion things required of a teacher. Sometimes I question myself as to whether I was right or not in choosing this profession. Well, everybody says it’s a noble job, and it is indeed! But the demands and pressures in it are just but overwhelming. Every teacher on this planet will probably agree with me on that. These demands and pressures — they sometimes scare the hell out of you and make you think: Boy, is this ever going to end?

I’ve always envied most of my friends who come home from work without having to worry about what to do for tomorrow. I see them enjoying themselves doing things they want to do — watching films, reading their favorite books, or socialize with other friends. And then there I am in my room, busy planning lessons for the following day — how unfair is that?

It’s just funny though because at the end of the school holidays when I’ve had my share of rest and enjoyment already, I would miss my students and would suddenly grow a feeling of excitement and urge to start planning lessons again. Don’t get me wrong though. I know that I love teaching, and I really do. I’m just cold feet sometimes, and whenever I start feeling the cold, I tend to be lackadaisical. 😉

Have you ever felt being incompetent at work before? You feel guilty because you think you could have done better? I’ve realized I still have some insecurities in me that I need to battle and put an end with. Over the years, I’ve tried to deal with each one of them but I guess they don’t go away that easily. It’s not my fault though, I would say. These things I’ve acquired over the years from my surroundings, and from how I was raised as a kid, and even from the school where I spent most of my life. I was raised in a very competitive environment, where I’m supposed to have known, and read, and studied everything way ahead of time. An environment where I learned to be prepared all the time otherwise I’d look dum, stupid, silly.

I think that pressures and expectations in this world — they do take their toll, and the effects are but devastating as ever. I’ve had sleepless nights, nightmares, and sudden ‘cannot be explained depressing moments’. I wake up shocked to see myself crying from a bad dream that’s usually to do with past humiliating memories.

I think it’s time that we truly love one another. Let’s be concerned and truly caring. For what really matters most in the long run is that we’ve loved (and therefore HAPPY) at all. 🙂

*Photo not mine. Thanks to whoever the owner is.

21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Esther T. Bajuyo
    Apr 24, 2014 @ 11:36:08

    Well, lackadaisical during those times when we had to do tutorials after classes. 😦 Those “Seo Yoo Jin, etc.” times were sooooo tiring. Glad they’re over. Still we got by since we are truly teachers at heart.


  2. melanie
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 06:34:17

    interesting and great post… btw, I love cats: big and small… 🙂
    friendly thoughts from Toulouse, France and my very best… cheers! 🙂 Mélanie


  3. Michael56j
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 07:19:20

    Great choice of photo and a fine article. Teachers tend to be undervalued. But please be assured that you are appreciated by most parents.


  4. aspienights
    Oct 29, 2013 @ 18:48:31

    I can totally relate! I was also raised in a competitive environment. Now I’m learning to let go of the past. Great blog!


  5. hope4theheart
    Oct 29, 2013 @ 06:58:33

    As I read what came to mind is Your Heavenly Father never intended for you to heal yourself. Read Isaiah 61:1-4 that tells us why Jesus came. When “bombs” from your past are triggered ask Jesus what you need to know or receive from Him to be set free and healed. My prayer for you is to receive that wisdom and revelation every time you need it.

    If you have the time you may want to check out a previous post of mine titled Faithfulness and Faults.


  6. April
    Oct 28, 2013 @ 12:47:17

    It would be wonderful if everybody could be kind to each other. It always starts with one.

    As far as letting your past have any impact on your present. I have learned to move beyond mine. I can’t change anything about it. I am who I am today, because of what has happened up until this moment. My past experiences, good or bad, were lessons. I retrieved the information I was supposed to learn from them—then simply let them go.

    The very first person we need to learn to be kind to–is ourselves.


    • mockingbird181984
      Oct 28, 2013 @ 18:36:26

      Thank you for responding Ms April! Totally agree with what you wrote here.

      It’s just surprising though because I never hold grudges against people, even my enemies. Give me 10 minutes and I’m smiling again. The nightmares that I have are about events that I have forgotten already and have put aside. Surprisingly, they still appear in my dreams and refresh me of those painful moments. They seem to come from the subconscious and are slowly coming out like dark smoke from a volcano that has slept over time and have just been accumulating heat from different directions. I realized that these painful experiences leave little bombs in the deepest part of you and they explode massively when something triggers them. I thought I have completely healed myself of them; apparently not. They still haunt me shockingly.

      I probably have not healed myself completely. Thanks again, Ms April!


  7. littlewritingsblog
    Oct 28, 2013 @ 08:00:43

    I understand you because I have taught children extra English lessons or other subjects and I know how much time could all these take to be prepared. Also, you have to know every child and to prepare for what he/she needs. But after you teach him/her and after a while you see the results of your hard work you feel blessed and happy you contributed to his/her teaching process. I am not a teacher, but I had some great experiences with teaching children and I have learnt a lot of useful things. Keep going and don’t forget that when you know that you contributed to someone progress is such a big accomplishment.


  8. janeykate
    Oct 28, 2013 @ 07:53:22

    Work has always been the one thing I’ve been amazing at. Relationships are another matter entirely 🙂
    Jane x


  9. D.G.Kaye
    Oct 28, 2013 @ 07:46:55

    Another beautiful post. Eventually these messages shall get into the hearts of those who need to hear them and make a difference! 🙂


  10. findingmyinnercourage
    Oct 28, 2013 @ 07:43:55

    I’m thinking he looks soooo comfortable. Welcome to the WordPress world.


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