Lackadaisical Me

I’ve posted this here before on my first week of blogging — when I didn’t have a lot of friends yet. So, I’m featuring it again. Let me know what you think.

Today’s one of those days when I just can’t be bothered to do things that I’m supposed to be working on and accomplish urgently. I have piles and piles of work to be done — marking students’ papers, writing reports, and all the other gazillion things required of a teacher. Sometimes I question myself as to whether I was right or not in choosing this profession. Well, everybody says it’s a noble job, and it is indeed! But the demands and pressures in it are just but overwhelming. Every teacher on this planet will probably agree with me on that. These demands and pressures — they sometimes scare the hell out of you and make you think: Boy, is this ever going to end?

I’ve always envied most of my friends who come home from work without having to worry about what to do for tomorrow. I see them enjoying themselves doing things they want to do — watching films, reading their favorite books, or socialize with other friends. And then there I am in my room, busy planning lessons for the following day — how unfair is that?

It’s just funny though because at the end of the school holidays when I’ve had my share of rest and enjoyment already, I would miss my students and would suddenly grow a feeling of excitement and urge to start planning lessons again. Don’t get me wrong though. I know that I love teaching, and I really do. I’m just cold feet sometimes, and whenever I start feeling the cold, I tend to be lackadaisical. 😉

Have you ever felt being incompetent at work before? You feel guilty because you think you could have done better? I’ve realized I still have some insecurities in me that I need to battle and put an end with. Over the years, I’ve tried to deal with each one of them but I guess they don’t go away that easily. It’s not my fault though, I would say. These things I’ve acquired over the years from my surroundings, and from how I was raised as a kid, and even from the school where I spent most of my life. I was raised in a very competitive environment, where I’m supposed to have known, and read, and studied everything way ahead of time. An environment where I learned to be prepared all the time otherwise I’d look dum, stupid, silly.

I think that pressures and expectations in this world — they do take their toll, and the effects are but devastating as ever. I’ve had sleepless nights, nightmares, and sudden ‘cannot be explained depressing moments’. I wake up shocked to see myself crying from a bad dream that’s usually to do with past humiliating memories.

I think it’s time that we truly love one another. Let’s be concerned and truly caring. For what really matters most in the long run is that we’ve loved (and therefore HAPPY) at all. 🙂

*Photo not mine. Thanks to whoever the owner is.

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