Glimpse of Life

I think of you
as I lie down tonight,
wond’rin if we’re looking
at the same sky.
My friends, they’re mute
they dance in cheer
looking down
with smiles
as if to reassure.

Their glitters,
they sparkle in my bed
filling up empty spaces,
as though embellishments
the lover of Art uses
to brighten up the day.
Oh, how I wish they could speak
or even gesture,
they would lead me to you.

This pillow is all I have tonight.
It’s plain, it’s dull,
it’s faceless.
Might I start painting
pictures of you in my mind?
I wonder how you look,
or sound like.
Your eyes —
Are they blue
or grey,
or green…?
I wonder how it feels like
in your embrace.

This night shall pass —
Will I ever get to see you?
Will this heart’s longing
ever be quenched?
These eyes, tired of looking,
will they finally get to rest?

I would trade this life,
if only to see you.
One glimpse is all I need.
Knowing you
would be heaven,
but a glimpse
is life enough.

© 2014 The Mockingbird in Me

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If Only

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To all the bullies, this song is for you.

What have I done?
Why are you hurting me this way?
I want to know why
I need to know why

I don’t recall ever hurting you
All I ever wanted was to please you
But every little thing I do seems wrong
You seem to find pleasure in my desolation

Chorus:
I cried a thousand times
Helpless in my sleep
You left scars in my heart
Aching deep within
Painful memories coming back alive
Forever haunting, forever hurting
If scars could only fade away…

I wish it was so easy
Blurring them away
It’s been years now, you see
But what you’ve done
Can’t seem to be undone

They were supposed to be jokes
Tricks to tickle the soul
I don’t know what kind of jokes they were
They left scars in my heart

Chorus:
I cried a thousand times
Helpless in my sleep
You left scars in my heart
Aching deep within
Painful memories coming back alive
Forever haunting, forever hurting
If scars could only fade away…

I don’t really hate you
I have, in fact, forgiven you
I just don’t deserve to live with this
All the days of my life

*Photo taken from Rebloggy.com

© 2014 The Mockingbird in Me

As If We Never Said Goodbye

I saw Kurt’s version of this song in GLEE a year ago, and I thought “why not give it a try.” Let me know if you like my version. 🙂

Taking Time — Happy Fathers’ Day!

I’m taking the time to stop
And think about you
I try and think of good memories
Of special times
Of unforgettable moments

You probably think
That I don’t care
Nor appreciate you
For what you do
For I have not made an effort
Like this, for you, before

Don’t get me wrong
You and I, we have always been good
I can’t think of a time where I felt
That you weren’t just
Or reasonable enough to understand
But you see, I love you so much
And I don’t think you truly understand that

Let me open up myself
And tell you from deep within
Let me show you
And make you feel
What I truly feel
Let me sing for you again
Songs of beautiful memories
I love you, Pa!
Yes, I do.

I remember those times
The very times when
You had to downplay yourself
To be the cool one
To keep the family going

From a far, I was watching you
And felt your pains
The hurt that you so bravely
And heroically turned into
Positive outcomes
The fact we are still intact today
One family,
We owe it to you

So thank you for your great love
Love that you probably
Tried to show to us in ways
That you know
I’ve got to tell you
You weren’t expressive too, you know
But deep inside I know you do
I’ve always felt it in silence

So let me open up myself
And tell you from deep within
Let me show you
And make you feel
What I truly feel
Let me sing for you again
Songs of beautiful memories
I love you, Pa!
Yes, I do.

© 2014 The Mockingbird in Me

Turning 30!

I’m turning 30 in a couple of hours, and honestly I am panicking!!!

What is life beyond 29?

All I know is that I’m getting old, and that I’m suppose to embrace a life of adulthood, where everything is about maturity, and grace, stability, and so on and so forth. The expectation list could go on endlessly actually.

I tried ‘googling’ life @ 30 to check whether or not it is normal for me to feel this way. Turns out, I’m not alone. 🙂

I decided to take some time to process my emotions, and I realized that I’m having mixed feelings about this whole 30th birthday of mine. Whilst I’m anxious about life after 20’s, I’m also actually happy and elated looking back at the memorable things that happened in my life. I mean, for me it’s still surreal to be at the very spot in life where I am at the moment. I did always give my best — one of the things I learned from the Jesuits — but I’d be lying if I’d say that it was all hard-work. I must say that I was greatly blessed, and I owe it all to Him who is watching from up above.

I’ve decided to dedicate this post to Him in thanksgiving for the many blessings He has gifted me.

Lord, you’ve made feel Your presence today
despite my sinfulness,
my arrogance,
selfishness,
my worldly desires.

I was unworthy,
yet You came.
I was empty,
and You filled me.
I was lonely,
and You gave me comfort.
I was lost,
and You gave me light.

I cried, Lord, when You said:

“I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.” John 17:23
“He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you.” Romans 8:31
“And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.” 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
“Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.” 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
“His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.” 1 John 4:10
“I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.” Romans 8:31-32

How great is Your love, Lord!
How wonderful!
“What am I that You should love me
and hold me as Your dearest love of all?”

Thank you, Lord.
Thank you.
Thank you for Your great love and mercy.
Know that I love You too…

Bling Bling

colorful-dices-facebook-cover (800x296)
Rings,
bracelets,
necklaces
Cover me
with your enthralling presence
Hide away my fears,
my doubts,
my insecurities
Show them joy,
peace,
serenity
While I find myself
in the greater scheme of things

In Limbo

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I’m stuck in a limbo — I think. I do know exactly where I am at the moment, but I don’t seem to have control over things. Well, I think I have, but my selfish self is too strong in stopping me to do the right thing. Have you ever been in this situation before? Have you ever felt too weak to fight your own self? Extenuating and making excuses in order not to feel guilty? Well, if you think you can relate, then perhaps you can share your thoughts with me. It would be much appreciated.

I have my own share of temptations in life, and it’s unfortunate that the strongest of them has to be related to my sexual orientation. I am gay but, being a Catholic, part of me is saying no to some aspects of gayness. I don’t intend to elaborate on this though – I’m only giving you a little bit of context to what is happening here.

I have sort of allowed myself to explore the grey areas of my life hoping that I could find answers to so many questions I had in mind, praying that I could somehow mend and align my sexuality and faith. The search was tough of course. I knew that I would be away for a very long time, and I knew that I could get trap, never to come back. I knew that I could contradict my faith in the process… but I was adamant.

It was as if I was going down in a cave, so dark sometimes I couldn’t breathe. Looking up, I’d see a tiny streak of light, shining brightly as though a beacon of hope. I said to myself, “One day, I’ll come out of this cave, and I’ll be stronger and wiser.”

Well, it’s been quite a time now since I came out of that dark cave. I have had arrived at a good conclusion and have made a brilliant decision about how I’m going to carry on with my life. Most of my questions were answered, and I was so happy about it. I thought I was going to be fine after that. However, little did I know, some tiny creatures of darkness came out of that cave with me. They were so tiny that I didn’t notice them hiding in the inner depths of my being. Now, they have penetrated into my system and have since tried to lure me away from things that matter to me. Those that give me joy. Those that I oh so love. It’s as though I was Snow White whose red heart slowly turned into black after having decided to let go of equanimity to get even with the evil queen.

I have been finding it hard to pray. Work doesn’t seem as fulfilling as before, and I have lost that thrill and excitement for life. The other day, I snapped at my sister and her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe it at first as I have never done anything like that before. I was always the one who had so much control over emotions and could easily stretch patience for others. It was unbelievable. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. My bitchiness and arrogance really scared the heaven out of me.

I’m in a limbo — that’s what I know.
I’m trap in this world full of crap.
I feel like I’m running out of time.
Now, I need to take back what was mine.

What to do?

Been trying hard
Nothing’s coming out of my head
A few good topics to my face
Yet choosing one seems forever. . .

Maraming Salamat Po!

Taken at Lim Ket Kai Mall, Cagayan de Oro, Philippines (with friends)

Taken at Lim Ket Kai Mall, Cagayan de Oro, Philippines (with friends)

Before 2013 ends, I just want to thank you all my blogging friends!
2013 has been a very memorable year because of you.
Thank you for the wonderful exchange of ideas and experiences.
I have learned so much.

Napag-isipisip Ko Lang

DSC00561 (800x600)

Ilang taon narin ang dumaan
mula no’ng akoy napadpad sa islang lulan.
Akoy napabaliktanaw sa
aking pinagdaanan —
sambit ko sa sarili ko,
“I’ve never been this happy all my life.”

Maligaya ako kasi
nagagawa ko na ang mga bagay
na hindi ko nagagawa noon —
magbasa ng nobela,
magsulat ng tula,
magblogging,
jogging,
maglakad sa baybayin,
kumanta ng kumanta,
mag-abang sa paglubog ng araw,
mapag-isa.

Maligaya ako kasi
nabibigyan ko na ang aking sarili
ng panahon —
panahon na makapag-isip,
panahon upang tignan ang sarili
at baguhin ang dapat baguhin.

Maligaya ako kasi
nakakapagdasal na ako ng mataimtim
at nararamdaman ko
na nandyan lang palagi ang Panginoon,
laging sumusubaybay.

Napag-isip isip ko
na importante pala na maglaan
ng panahon para sa sarili.
Pinupuno dapat natin
ito ng pagmamahal,
pag-unawa,
at pag-alaga.
Para bagang sasakyan,
pinupuno ng gasolina
upang umandar.
Parang stapler,
nilalagyan ng bala
saka nagagamit.

Ang halaman ay dinidiligan
at inaantay na mamunga
upang makapagbigay ng prutas
na pwedi nating kainin.
Ang isang palabas naman
ay iniensayo muna ng maigi
saka ito naipapalabas sa entablado
upang palakpakan ng mga tao.

Ganyang ganyan din ang ating mga sarili.
Kailangan paglaanan ng oras
at buhusan ng
pagmamahal
upang makapagbigay at makapagmahal
dahil kung hindi
mapapagod ito,
mapupurol,
at mauubusan ng lakas.

*Friends, will translate this later… But for now, try to converse with someone who understands Filipino Language and get him\her to translate this for you. Let me know what they say. 🙂

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