In Limbo

I’m stuck in a limbo — I think. I do know exactly where I am at the moment, but I don’t seem to have control over things. Well, I think I have, but my selfish self is too strong in stopping me to do the right thing. Have you ever been in this situation before? Have you ever felt too weak to fight your own self? Extenuating and making excuses in order not to feel guilty? Well, if you think you can relate, then perhaps you can share your thoughts with me. It would be much appreciated.

I have my own share of temptations in life, and it’s unfortunate that the strongest of them has to be related to my sexual orientation. I am gay but, being a Catholic, part of me is saying no to some aspects of gayness. I don’t intend to elaborate on this though – I’m only giving you a little bit of context to what is happening here.

I have sort of allowed myself to explore the grey areas of my life hoping that I could find answers to so many questions I had in mind, praying that I could somehow mend and align my sexuality and faith. The search was tough of course. I knew that I would be away for a very long time, and I knew that I could get trap, never to come back. I knew that I could contradict my faith in the process… but I was adamant.

It was as if I was going down in a cave, so dark sometimes I couldn’t breathe. Looking up, I’d see a tiny streak of light, shining brightly as though a beacon of hope. I said to myself, “One day, I’ll come out of this cave, and I’ll be stronger and wiser.”

Well, it’s been quite a time now since I came out of that dark cave. I have had arrived at a good conclusion and have made a brilliant decision about how I’m going to carry on with my life. Most of my questions were answered, and I was so happy about it. I thought I was going to be fine after that. However, little did I know, some tiny creatures of darkness came out of that cave with me. They were so tiny that I didn’t notice them hiding in the inner depths of my being. Now, they have penetrated into my system and have since tried to lure me away from things that matter to me. Those that give me joy. Those that I oh so love. It’s as though I was Snow White whose red heart slowly turned into black after having decided to let go of equanimity to get even with the evil queen.

I have been finding it hard to pray. Work doesn’t seem as fulfilling as before, and I have lost that thrill and excitement for life. The other day, I snapped at my sister and her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe it at first as I have never done anything like that before. I was always the one who had so much control over emotions and could easily stretch patience for others. It was unbelievable. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. My bitchiness and arrogance really scared the heaven out of me.

I’m in a limbo — that’s what I know.
I’m trap in this world full of crap.
I feel like I’m running out of time.
Now, I need to take back what was mine.