In Limbo

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I’m stuck in a limbo — I think. I do know exactly where I am at the moment, but I don’t seem to have control over things. Well, I think I have, but my selfish self is too strong in stopping me to do the right thing. Have you ever been in this situation before? Have you ever felt too weak to fight your own self? Extenuating and making excuses in order not to feel guilty? Well, if you think you can relate, then perhaps you can share your thoughts with me. It would be much appreciated.

I have my own share of temptations in life, and it’s unfortunate that the strongest of them has to be related to my sexual orientation. I am gay but, being a Catholic, part of me is saying no to some aspects of gayness. I don’t intend to elaborate on this though – I’m only giving you a little bit of context to what is happening here.

I have sort of allowed myself to explore the grey areas of my life hoping that I could find answers to so many questions I had in mind, praying that I could somehow mend and align my sexuality and faith. The search was tough of course. I knew that I would be away for a very long time, and I knew that I could get trap, never to come back. I knew that I could contradict my faith in the process… but I was adamant.

It was as if I was going down in a cave, so dark sometimes I couldn’t breathe. Looking up, I’d see a tiny streak of light, shining brightly as though a beacon of hope. I said to myself, “One day, I’ll come out of this cave, and I’ll be stronger and wiser.”

Well, it’s been quite a time now since I came out of that dark cave. I have had arrived at a good conclusion and have made a brilliant decision about how I’m going to carry on with my life. Most of my questions were answered, and I was so happy about it. I thought I was going to be fine after that. However, little did I know, some tiny creatures of darkness came out of that cave with me. They were so tiny that I didn’t notice them hiding in the inner depths of my being. Now, they have penetrated into my system and have since tried to lure me away from things that matter to me. Those that give me joy. Those that I oh so love. It’s as though I was Snow White whose red heart slowly turned into black after having decided to let go of equanimity to get even with the evil queen.

I have been finding it hard to pray. Work doesn’t seem as fulfilling as before, and I have lost that thrill and excitement for life. The other day, I snapped at my sister and her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe it at first as I have never done anything like that before. I was always the one who had so much control over emotions and could easily stretch patience for others. It was unbelievable. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. My bitchiness and arrogance really scared the heaven out of me.

I’m in a limbo — that’s what I know.
I’m trap in this world full of crap.
I feel like I’m running out of time.
Now, I need to take back what was mine.

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26 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cathy Cajes
    Apr 24, 2014 @ 13:09:07

    hey hey hey that’s me… 😀 Be yourself. Sometimes stretching our patience means holding back emotions and those emotions will build up inside you. You’ll be surprised one day when you can’t just stretched it anymore and you’ll just burst.
    The people who love you will accept you for you are… that includes me… 😀
    Just remember te: GOD LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.. 😀

    Reply

  2. Esther T. Bajuyo
    Apr 23, 2014 @ 20:34:37

    I totally agree with Sir Rommel’s great insights, Jake. Stay true to yourself because I ❤ you so much.

    Reply

  3. Aquileana
    Mar 20, 2014 @ 17:51:08

    Hello!!!…

    That was a very open posts…
    I admire you for sharing your feelings…
    We all have good and bad moments … It is a sort of cycle…
    At the end I think it is all about keeping it up with the process and letting things develop for themselves…
    I hope all is going better now. Best wishes to you, Aquileana 😉

    Reply

  4. Shofar
    Mar 20, 2014 @ 09:00:49

    I came across a comment from you on my Grand Canyon post and thought I would check on you today. Just recently someone fell off the edge of the rim and died of course. We all are only a breath away from eternity. Trust God to give you strength to overcome your problems; there is nothing to difficult for Him. “Cast all your cares upon HIm for He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7; Trust God and He will give you direction in your life (my paraphrasing). Proverbs 3:5 God bless you; I will pray for you, Jake.

    Reply

  5. rommel
    Mar 17, 2014 @ 18:13:49

    I applaud you for being so honest and open, on letting yourself be vulnerable. That’s very manly, I think. 😉 Here’s what I think,everything here is universal. We all been there. Do what you love. If you have that religion, that religion doesn’t judge, it forgives. Whatever it is you want to do, be free. Don’t get stuck-ed with darkness, fear, and eventually regret. About your sister incident, it’s simple. You are human. Apologize, carry on and learn from it. That’s it.

    Reply

  6. hope4theheartalways
    Mar 11, 2014 @ 16:26:01

    Your writing is your prayer. You are expressing your heart and that is all our Heavenly Father asks of us is to come honestly before Him, leaving the masks behind (Isaiah 1:18). When we are real with Him, He can be real with us and provide the answers we need. Praying that God’s light, truth and love will permeate you through and through.

    Reply

  7. D.G.Kaye
    Mar 10, 2014 @ 16:05:37

    Hey, hey now Mock, don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have doubts and question many things about ourselves. It takes a very big person to bear your soul to the world as you have done and you know you are in the right place here with friends who care. In the world we live in unfortunately religion and sexual orientation don’t always connect but in order to even believe in any religion, you must believe in yourself first. Don’t battle who you are, be free to be what makes you happy inside. Nobody, gay or not will ever be able to please everyone, so find happiness in yourself. xo

    Reply

  8. Nomzi Kumalo
    Mar 10, 2014 @ 10:22:09

    Sounds to me like you need to shut out all that noise from outside so you can hear that inner voice of yours. Doubt is misery. Live and spread joy 🙂

    Reply

    • mockingbird181984
      Mar 12, 2014 @ 08:13:10

      Thank you Nomzi for stopping by TMiM and for sharing your thoughts. Much appreciated. Your response really made me think. I’m still reflecting on it though — just making sure I’m not missing out on any detail. I think you’re right in saying that I have to listen to that inner voice — there’s just so much external and internal noise at the moment. However, as to whether I’m doubting myself, I’m still working on that part. I think I still am.

      Reply

      • Nomzi Kumalo
        Mar 12, 2014 @ 08:32:18

        You are so welcome. When I delay making a decision, that is doubt. I have to trust myself and dare to make mistakes too. We are only human. Life is not fitting inside a tidy little box. 🙂

        Reply

  9. April
    Mar 09, 2014 @ 17:17:19

    Both of the comments so far are wonderful, and I agree with them. I am learning to follow my heart instead of what my mind tries to control. I can kind of understand the conflict with religion, but what feels right for you is your decision to make. Don’t let the darkness take from you the progress you have made. Build on that progress, and follow your heart.

    Reply

  10. aspienights
    Mar 09, 2014 @ 11:01:03

    I admire your self-awareness, and how articulate you are about your feelings and emotions. You seem like a great guy, and I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. I would recall the quote, “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody,”

    Reply

    • mockingbird181984
      Mar 09, 2014 @ 21:53:35

      Love the quote! What a beautiful reminder. I do tend to please people around me. It does feel good though to get the blessing of people around you. You feel light and happy. But you’re right, I shouldn’t live through people’s expectations. Thanks, Aspienights!

      Reply

  11. suzjones
    Mar 09, 2014 @ 09:56:19

    Take time to find yourself once more. The real you. And be kind to yourself. We can be our own harshest critics. You are who you are. There is nobody else in the world like you. You are unique and you are loved by those around you.
    Take the time to find your happiness once again.
    Blessings to you.

    Reply

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